Lord of the Rhymes
by L and Mell
Summary: Though the book has lasted a long time, we felt it necessary to translate it in Rhyme. Though this epic is unspeakably bad, we beg of you: do not be mad, for we are but simple goons, who spend their time collecting spoons.


Gandalf came to the Hobbit's home,   
Round his mouth, a ring of foam.   
Then they saw it was just his beard,   
It was a beast that they all feared. 

The cause was Bilbo's eleventy-first,   
But things quickly turned for the worst.   
Bilbo left and forgot his Ring,   
Frodo accidentally inherited the thing. 

Galdalf shrieked and threw it in flame,   
He said that Sauron was to blame.   
He spoke the tale of the Ring,   
Then he found Sam eavesdropping. 

Frodo and Sam, together they fled,   
How Sam wished he was home in bed.   
Merry and Pippin ran through the field,   
A loaded shotgun Farmer Maggot did wield. 

They fell down onto the road-a,   
Along came a Black Rider in a Skoda.   
He looked embarrassed, rather pink,   
He was worried what they would think. 

He went and got a horse instead,   
Once again all the Hobbits fled.   
They leapt onto the Brandywine Ferry,   
Frodo, Pippin, Sam and Merry. 

Into Bree the Hobbits sailed,   
In the darkness, Black Rider's wailed.   
They sought shelter at The Pony,   
In the corner sat Strider, aloney. 

Merry and Pippin bickered over ale,   
While in the air The Ring did sail   
And unfortunately for Frodo, it did land   
On the index finger of his hand. 

He disappeared without a sound,   
Frodo was no where to be found.   
He appeared again when moments past,   
Strider's face was aghast. 

Upstairs he took Frodo alone,   
The Hobbits chased after to pick a bone.   
When they got there, no bone was picked.   
It was clear the Riders wanted to afflict 

Great pain on them to gain The Ring,   
But Strider took them under his wing.   
Into the hills and far away,   
They reached Weathertop that day. 

They set a fire to make some dinner   
Because poor Pip was getting thinner.   
Frodo awoke to their chatter,   
And looked in horror at their platter. 

Sam calmly offered him a plate,   
Frodo put out the fire too late,   
For outside were Ringwraiths, looking in,   
Perhaps they were after a little bacon? 

Merry threw it down the hill,   
He planned to find it later still.   
To the top they did hurry,   
Pippin longed for chicken curry. 

The Riders pushed them to the right,   
There was no way for them to fight.   
It was not bacon but Ring they sought,   
And now we reach the actual plot: 

Through Frodo's chest they did slice,   
They really weren't very nice.   
Then strode in Strider with torch a-fire,   
Sam wanted to go home to The Shire. 

Arwen was crying,   
While Frodo was dying.   
Princess Arwen took Frodo away   
As nine black riders joined into the fray... 

After that followed a dangerous chase,   
And poor Princess Arwen was cut in the face!   
She lead the Black Riders on into the water,   
Like big black nasty lambs to the slaughter. 

And so those black lambs were washed away,   
Not, for the moment, happy OR gay.   
The Company moved on to Rivendell,   
And waited there till Frodo was well. 

A Council was called and folk were there,   
Saying the Quest was for nine to share.   
One from each species, four hobbits, two men:   
One of them got off with Princess Arwen; 

She gave up her immortality, the moment was sappy   
The audience declared that this scene was crappy.   
The Company moved on to thar hills yonder,   
And, by the way, Strider's the King of Gondor. 

Hitchcock sent out an army of spies,   
They decided not to go as the crow flies.   
They took to the mountains, the road was steep   
As they got higher the snow proved too deep. 

Moria was the choice, Frodo had to make it,   
A squid shut the door,   
And they had to take it. 

The orcs ran in to give a greeting,   
But they were met with a nasty beating.   
Next came the Balrog, underground like a mole -   
It chased after Gandalf and knocked him in a hole. 

The Company moved on, though they were blue   
Well, they had to move on into Book Two.   
Into the woods that the Elves shared,   
Gimli was worried but nobody cared. 

They met Galadriel, the wench of the woods-   
In exchange for mental torture,   
She gave them some goods. 

Away from Galadriel and her freaky elf mirror,   
Just thinking of it made Frodo shiver.   
And, all the while, chased by (big) orcs,   
Boromir went crazy, and looked like a dork. 

As the Uruk-hai searched for flesh and bone:   
Strider told Frodo to go on alone.   
So Merry and Pippin to Isengard were taken,   
Boromir was left full of arrows and shaken. 

He looked like a pin cushion, with the face of Sean Bean   
A more hideous thing Strider hadn't seen.   
As Strider cut off Lurtz's head,   
Frodo and Sam dually fled. 

And so they walked on to meet their fate,   
Followed by Gollum to Mordor's gate,   
And when the next book is finally read,   
Perhaps we will rhyme you the real story instead.   



End file.
